The end of second year

Today marks the end of my second year at my current university, but the end of three years at university. Seeing all my friends handing their dissertations and preparing for post-grad courses, travelling, and jobs, makes me so proud of them, a little jealous, second hand scared for life after uni, but also so thankful for where I am at the moment.

In a BEDA blog post the other month, I wrote about change and choice, and how no choice you make is ever wrong. I talked about my decision to not accept my study abroad placement and how this granted me with strong friendships and the beginning of my incredible relationship with my partner.

I should have also written about my decision to change universities at the end of my first year, starting over in a new establishment. Moving my life to a new city was the best decision I have ever made in my life, and as I write this, I am so over-whelmed at the friendships I’ve made, the opportunities I’ve been given, and the lessons I’ve learnt from moving.

It’s now been almost two years since I made that choice, which was so heartbreaking at the time. But I am so glad I did. Everything happens for a reason; and I was meant to wait a year so all these amazing people could catch up and come to university to I’d meet them.

If you couldn’t tell, I’m feeling very emotional but in a good way.

This year has been one of stories, and adventures. It’s been impromptu nights outs, ending at some house party, being carried home on the shoulders of my iron man of a best friend. It’s been one of being in the library until 3am, almost in tears over Hippocrates and accidentally rewriting Italian history. It’s been a year of learning about myself, being comfortable and confident in my body and owning my sexuality.

It’s been a year of laughing until I cried, maturing, stabilising, and grounding myself. I’ve found my passion and my area of speciality, and explored options for my future. I’ve grown and learnt from the women I’m lucky enough to surround myself with. I’ve been strengthened and supported by the men who make me proud every day.

I love being in this mood where I just sit and look at my life and I’m just so lucky and proud of myself.

I can’t wait for this summer; researching for my dissertation, working hard at my job, travelling to see friends, and my partner, and just being happy.

Day 30 – The Final Day

Well here we are; the last post of BEDA.

I wanted to come out of this month with a novel, but I came out of it with another 30 blog posts and a bullet journal. So I guess I achieved something.

Running dry for this post. I’m tired and I’ve actually been doing work for my upcoming assessments (shocker, I know). In a way, I’m glad that April is basically over; it’s been mentally tiring, constantly thinking of writing blog posts, or writing my novel.

The beginning of May is going to kick my ass a bit with all of my last assignments due in the first two weeks. But after that, I’m going home and starting work again. I have mixed feelings about moving back home. Everyone at uni will be so far away from me. But I’ll be home, I’ll be working, I’ll be travelling to see my pals and my partner, and it will be sunny.

So it will all be alright.

And like I said last year; May is a bright, burning orange for me. May is emotive.

Signing off for the last time, guys. Thanks for sticking with me; it’s been wild. And you’re all great. Thank you for the constant reading and supporting. Couldn’t have done it without you, team.

Day 29 – A Year Ago

A year ago today I had a novel. A year ago today, I’d written my third 50,000 word novel, and the last time I’d done it was when I was 17.

A year ago today, I was at home, about to head to Yorkshire for a fancy ball with my parents and their friends who are my second family. A year ago today I was with someone completely different, and in a bad way.

A year ago today, stress, anxiety and depression were sky high, my weight was the heaviest it had ever been, and I was miserable. I was just trying to get through the rest of the semester, but dreading going home and going back to work because I’d almost been made to quit.

But now, a year on from all of that, I might not have a novel, but I have my health, my happiness, my new and wonderful partner, and a work family where I finally feel like I belong.

I might have failed in getting my novel this year, but I’m in a much better place than I was last year.

It’s amazing the difference you can make in just one year; in your personal life, professional life, and in yourself.

It really is about counting your achievements, more than your failures.

Day 28

This was going to be a story time post BUT heaven forbid I’m having a social life.

Friend said that reading my blog posts was like a rollercoaster and he’s not wrong. (Hi, Reece. Welcome to the team!)

See you kids tomorrow. Make good choices.

Day 27 – The Last Novel Update

Today, I closed down my novel document.

I’m tired. I’m down. My mind feels like it’s been wrung out completely from motivation and creativity, and I can’t force it anymore. I’ve hit 35,000 words and on day 27 when I should be at 45,000, I know that even with the best will in the world, I won’t be able to catch up. Plus, I have an essay due on the 2nd May. So I should probably be focussing on that. This isn’t me giving up. This is me realistically recognising when enough is enough.

UGH I hate posting whiney posts like this, but my brain is so mushy right now. I wanna go back to writing my old stuff and posting it, so at least those efforts were being read and reviewed. It’s nice to have people reading my creations.

So because I’ve closed my novel off, there’s some people I really want to thank for supporting me.

First of all, my boyfriend Luke. For not understanding why I was even putting myself through that torture in the first place, he’s been great at bringing me tea, chocolate, and tidying his room because he knows that the only way I can concentrate is if I’m in a tidy place.

Also a massive thank you to my gal pal Mia who’s helped me through numerous writers blocks, and told me constantly how I need to count my achievements over my failures. Mia, you’re my sunshine.

All of my other friends have also all been incredible at texting me to write when I’m clearly procrastinating and for cheering me on. TEAM, YOU’RE ALL AMAZING. I have great friends.

Signing off now. The blog posts will continue, and you’ll be glad to know there will be no more novel ranting or whining. Thanks for sticking around.

Day 26 – Novel Update

I’m pretty sure I complain about my novel every day, but here’s a proper little update on how it’s going.

It’s happening. Kind of.

At this point, if I manage to reach 40,000 words, I might just have to take that as my victory, because I’ve not had the time. The fact I’ve gotten this far when I changed the entire novel five days in, worked full time for two weeks, and have had a decent social life, is an achievement. And I need to remember that if I’m not successful.

I’m constantly about 8,000/9,000 words behind target, and my brain just can’t comprehend catching up. My stat checker says I only need to write 3,000 words a day to complete the novel on time, and that is super doable, so perhaps I need to look at things in a smaller view for a while.

My mood have massively improved since yesterday. Being a woman is tough, man. I’ve also spent the day being taken care of through my hangover. Just sort of want to sleep for a few days.

Pray for me, and pray for my novel, please. That would be mad appreciated. Thanks for sticking with me, team.

Day 25 – Self Indulgence

University does really weird things to my mood and my mind. Since being back, I don’t feel like I’ve been quite as happy as I have been. It’s hard to explain. Small things get to me. It sort of removes my rational perspective on certain situations.

Because of this, I’ve had a guilt free day of buying a few nice things for myself. Money can’t fix everything, but when it’s buying nice body butter and a face mask, it can at least make me feel pretty and clean.

I’m going to tidy my room ready for my best friend to come over with prosecco to do a massive spring clean of my wardrobe. We’re also gonna be like teenage girls at a sleepover and do face masks together, too.

Hit 32,000 today. Meh. I’m so behind that nothing feels like an achievement anymore.

In a weird mood today, so if any of my chums have some advice to help break me out of it, hit me up.

Word Count: 32,009

I genuinely think my novel is boring me.